Almost Amish
by Icee Suicune
Summary: A sonfic about Ezekiel's life. Amish Paradise belongs to Weird Al. Contains mild religous content.


_As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain_

Ezekiel lived on a farm with his mother and father. He was an only child, and he was home schooled, despite the fact that both of his parents were Home Economics teachers.

_I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain_

Ezekiel **married?** Yeah, that will happen. Everyone who knew him knew that Ezekiel was sexist, thanks to his father.

_But that's just perfect for an Amish like me_

He wasn't exactly Amish, but he was close. His family did have electricity and running water and all that jazz, but they didn't have a television.

_You know, I shun fancy things like electricity_

Did we mention that lights-out was seven P.M.?

_At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows_

Ezekiel woke up at 4:30 am every morning to milk cows on the farm. He also had to fetch hay and water for them, and he had to groom them.

_Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool_

Ezekiel also had to feed the chickens. Basically he did all the work with the animals, while his father worked out in the fields.

_And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that_

Ezekiel had been working with the animals since he was four.

_Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone_

Ezekiel's neighbor's name was also Ezekiel. He thought the poor boy was living in a 'time warp,' and that he should be playing football or whatever kids theses days like to do.

_I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline_

But Ezekiel **loved** working with the animals. His father had told him that it built character and taught him self-discipline.

_Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin_

Every Sunday Ezekiel and his parents went to church. His parents read from the bible before bedtime, and Ezekiel had grown up with stories about Moses and David and Goliath. As for the beard, Ezekiel had been working on one for two years. He was almost there. Almost.

_But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine_

Ezekiel had a lot of chores, and so did his parents.

_Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699_

But on some Fridays, the family had a small party celebrating the weekend… even though they had just as much work to do on Saturday morning.

_We been spending most our lives_

Ezekiel's whole life was spent on a farm.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

He was almost Amish.

_I've churned butter once or twice_

Ezekiel's mother had always made home-made butter. And sometimes Ezekiel helped her with the churning process.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

_It's hard work and sacrifice_

Ezekiel's family's life was tough. It was all about hard work and sacrifice. He was used to hard work, and he almost enjoyed it.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

He was almost Amish.

_We sell quilts at discount price_

Ezekiel's mother loved to sew. On the rare occasions she went into town, (excluding the times when she went to work, she went straight to school and straight back home, no distractions.) she brought many lovely quilts she had sewn and sold them at the Farmer's Market. She sold them at discount prices, of course.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

_A local boy kicked me in the butt last week_

Once while Ezekiel's father went into town with his wife, a kid kicked him in the behind.

_I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek_

Of course he was mad, but he was a strong Christian. He did whatever the Bible said…

_I really don't care, in fact I wish him well_

…But he didn't care. After all, he knew quite well where all the sinners went.

_'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell_

Yes, when Ezekiel's father was living the good life up in the Great Farm in the sky, that little trouble maker would be burning in… you know.

_But I ain't ever punched a tourist even if he deserved it_

His father had been 'assaulted' in the past, but he always kept calm. He never let his anger show, at least not in public.

_An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of_

Yes, Ezekiel's father almost never raised his voice.

_I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat_

Moving back to Ezekiel himself. He rarely wore buttons, simply because he had trouble with them. I mean, come on! Those little round disks always slip out of the button holes. But Ezekiel did have a cool hat. A **very **cool hat.

_And my homies agree, I really look good in black...fool_

This isn't Gwen or Duncan we're talking about. We're talking about Ezekiel.

_If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears_

As we mentioned before, Ezekiel didn't have a TV. The only thing he had at his home to entertain guests with was board games and books.

_We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years_

They didn't even have a phone. Okay, they did. But they hardly ever used it.

_But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare_

Ezekiel and his father were sexist. There was no doubt about that.

_We're just technologically impaired_

They had little technology. Who needed all of that fancy stuff when you had fresh air and a ton of land out in the wide-open country?

_There's no phone, no lights, no motorcars_

A scarcely used phone. Lights-out at seven P.M. sharp. But they did have a car.

_Not a single luxury_

The only luxury they seemed to have was heating and indoor plumbing.

_Like Robinson Caruso_

We have no comment here.

_It's as primitive as can be_

Well, it wasn't exactly primitive. But it certainly wasn't modern.

_We been spending most our lives_

Ezekiel had spent his whole life on a farm.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

He was almost Amish.

_We're just plain and simple guys_

Ezekiel was very simple. He had the necessities, and not much else.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

_There's no time for sin and vice_

Like we said, Ezekiel and his family were very strong Christians.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

He was almost Amish.

_We don't fight, we all play nice_

Ezekiel hardly had anyone to play with, so how could he be mean to others? And he wouldn't dare fight with his parents. They would kill him. Okay, not really.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

_Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter_

Ezekiel had never hitched up a buggy before, but he certainly had experience when it came to churning butter.

_Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anoder_

Uh, well, Ezekiel had never raised a barn either.

_Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?_

Ezekiel and his family were very strong Christians.

_Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art_

In fact, he had memorized more Bible verses than anyone he knew, except for his father, of course.

_I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like_

All of the little kids at the church's Sunday School services looked up to Ezekiel. He was a hard worker, honest, and he had an awesome hat.

_On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife_

The kids were always at Ezekiel's heels, mimicking his every move, hoping to be just like him.

_So don't be vain and don't be whiny_

Ezekiel was taught that he should never complain or whine. It was childish and annoying.

_Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie_

In the cases that he **did **whine, however, his father whipped out the good 'ol belt and taught Ezekiel a lesson he'd never forget.

_We been spending most our lives_

Ezekiel had spent his whole life on a farm.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

He was almost Amish.

_We're all crazy Mennonites_

_Living in an Amish paradise_

Ezekiel was almost Amish.

_There's no cops or traffic lights_

There aren't many traffic lights or cops out in the country.

_Living in an Amish paradise_

He was almost Amish.

_But you'd probably think it bites_

Most people that Ezekiel met out of church thought that it must stink having to live the life he lived. But he was perfectly content. That is until, Total Drama Island happened…

_Living in an Amish paradise_

Ezekiel was almost Amish. Almost.

END

…

**  
So, what do you guys think? I was listening to my iPod when I got the inspiration for this. I always thought of Ezekiel for some reason when I heard Amish Paradise. **

**Also, I'm not sure of many strong Christians are sexist. I haven't heard of one, but I guess there could be one. I better wrap things up here. XD Icee Suicune singing off!**

**R&R!!**


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